The beginning of my Dad journey…
It was just past noon and whilst my lovely wife was in the bathroom, I was furiously pacing outside the door. The bathroom door opened and there she was with the biggest smile on her face and tears rolling down her rose-blushed cheeks. She was ecstatic. She waved the test and I saw that it was positive. My first thought was of pure joy and relief. I remember telling her, “can you really believe it?”, “Are you happy?”, “Does it really say that you are pregnant?” We stood in the doorway for god knows how long, hugging and crying before finally calming down.
The “moment you find out” is quite unique and it was finally sinking in. It reminds me of that singular moment in life when you hold your breath and then heave those pleasurable gasps after a chest-achingly long time. A combination of being euphoric on finding out as well as the sweet relief of the long-endured fight of trying to, engulfed us all around.
We’d been trying to get pregnant for quite some time and our gynaecologist had told us that it wasn’t going to be an easy path for us. This challenging personal experience for us was a mirror of what was happening with many of our friends and some relatives too. The entire experience of winning the battle against childlessness seemed just imbalanced. The wrongness is amplified by the sense that the act of getting pregnant should be uncomplicated and the most enjoyable thing in the world to do.
I’ve seen the tightly-managed disappointment and setback turn out to be merely the opening act for a massive emotional ocean of antagonism, hopelessness, grief, resentment, embarrassment and remorse at being envious or not interested in others’ swift stork deliveries.
But all that is in the past.
Now that it has actually happened to us, it is such an unreal feeling; something that I’ve never lived through before and doubt I ever will again. Marriage is colossal, buying a house is massive, but making a human… is mammoth. I could not wait to scream it out of the rooftop.
I started visualising what a fantastic dad I was going to be; not that I’ve had any practice before. I would need to change a million things about myself, my lifestyle, to be able to be that great dad; but I am prepared to make all those changes. No more reckless drinking and takeout every night, no more sleeping until 8:30am on workdays.
Right now, I am just excited beyond my wildest dreams and maybe a little frightened too. But today, I only want to share this joy and pride with my beautiful wife. I have no doubt that she is feeling the same thrill. After all, we did this together!